Both This and That

I buy outfits for dates I don’t even have prospects for—a little extra feminine, enhancing my eye color…revealing a curve—and imagine the excitement of feeling lovely in my skin as I dress to meet a man who makes things once in shadow seem manageable again .

I watch myself with pride solving problems on my own, digging holes, fixing my washing machine, moving furniture and using power tools.

I look at strange men in public like a species I’ve only seen in documentaries and wonder if I will ever snuggle up closely to one again—truly know him…if my so much will ever be just right when many of them seem to be looking for something much less.

I stay in bed as late as I want, spontaneously wander around in service to my desires as long as I want and eat whatever I want whenever I choose while listening to podcasts uninterrupted.

When I am overtired or not feeling well or sad about an experience from the day, the loneliness covers me like a too heavy blanket. With no one to smile at me sympathetically or to bring me a cup of tea or to offer a new way to see things, romantic connection feels elusive and scarce.

I wake up with the excitement of everything in life that is yet to be explored and I feel drunk with the ability to choose the next leg of my path for myself alone…anything that makes my heart sing and my soul expand.

I ask Siri when I will meet the man of my dreams and impatiently press her with follow-up questions when she unsatisfactorily says “interesting question” or “ I don’t know the answer to that question.” I do not thank her before swiping her away.

I plan my next thing in open conversation with my intuition, so much more clear in her dialogue when it’s just the two of us to move through space together—no crowds or conflict to muddy the messages.

I am struck by my strength, honor my courage and boast to myself about my bad assery in the same couch sitting as I tear up over the memories of moments I’ve felt so deeply connected and hopeful and believed in the possibility of this one person finally seeing me and honoring me, marvels and messes mingle.

I end the day stretched out in my big, comfortable bed. I say goodnight to my doggies and tell them how much I love them and thank the Universe for giving me such a bounty of life experience and for this amazing time alone. I acknowledge that some day, probably not too far off into the future, I’ll look back at this time of often enough blissful solitude as a gift and a pleasure. Then I fall asleep to dream of a man who looks at me adoringly and kisses me on top of my head while bathing me in light he produces from within.