Being Okay Right Where You Are

*This post was originally written on January 14, 2022

Its my birthday. It’s been a tough day. Work in the current state of things has been exhausting. Yesterday, I finished my 10th day of subbing in a row and those anxiety proboking “Is it allergies or is it Covid?” symptoms that keep cycling through were back. This Monday will be the 5th anniversary of my sister’s death that also just happens to fall on my once husband’s birthday which seemed like my sister’s sense of humor at the time, but it all makes for a pretty loaded time of year now. While we all acknowledge and honor the anniversary, I don’t dwell here or work myself up consciously. In fact, I tried hard this year to schedule something exciting in advance for my birthday, but it didn’t work out. And then I had family coming into town, but that didn’t work out at the last minute. Then my birthday buddy that I often celebrate with had to isolate. In fact, a lot of everything not working out had to do with stupid freakin’ Covid. And so I surrendered to the couch and to fatigue and to sadness. And writing it all down here brings into focus that it was a lot.

At first, I just let myself sink down in it without even trying to swim. And something in the letting go felt soothing. And then I had to acknowledge that, starting before I even woke up and throughout the morning, birthday texts kept jingling in my phone, full of love and humor. And my Mom and Dad called me. I don’t know if Mom remembered on her own but she certainly remembered when she was reminded and she comforted me by acknowledging how hard things are right now and giving me permission to be however I need to be. And my ever present soul sister Vicky Lou put birthday signs in my lawn and made me cupcakes and brought me dinner and also told me that any way I show up is perfectly okay. I snuggled under my luxurious blanket that was a gift from a student with my doggies snuggled up right next to me. And then I read all of the kind greetings on my Facebook page from friends old and newer, near and far, and the sinking sadness turned into sinking into comfort of knowing that I’m okay here on my own because I’m never ever alone. And I reminded myself that one day, maybe not so far away, we’ll all gather with ease again. While I’ll love having everyone around, I’ll also remember this time of simplicity and solitude with fondness. And, perhaps most importantly I realized that the anniversary of my sister’s death this year falls on the event of the full moon. Just before she died, I asked Sandy where we could find her when she was gone. And she said, “On the full moon when there is snow on the ground and everything is covered in moonlight…I’ll be there.” It’s snowing a lot in Buffalo right now and it may even snow here Sunday night. The alignment is…Magical.✨

And suddenly, I’m enjoying this day of rest and quiet and snuggling up, and I have the whole weekend left to feel better and celebrate just being.